January 2000
 
Christmas Songs: IT'S ONLY ROCK AND ROLL












Jesus, where to start with this steaming crock of rock'n'roll do-do? We've suffered some Yuletide travesties before - remember We Are The World? Or Do They Know It's Christmas? Or any number of dewy-eyed charity bashes that have had the true music lover's stomach brimming over with dread and bile? Horrible, horrible, horrible.

But not as horrible as this. This is a proper song, one of the greatest songs by one of the greatest bands. The others we can forget - their overwhelming niceness was so obvious, their charitable intentions so upfront, we can eventually view them as simple Acts Of Kindness. It's Only Rock And Roll is different. In its subject matter, history and original execution, it was right at the heart of the thing we call Rock. Consequently, this new all-star version can only be seen as an all-out assault on US.

Let's dig deeper. Have you noticed how quickly the video cuts from one star to another? Have you also noticed how the artists involved are no longer permitted a verse or even half a verse to get going and introduce some character, or soul? Have you noticed how cleverly but randomly it's all pieced together, slipping from blues, to soul, to pop, to punk so rapidly it becomes utterly unlistenable? The makers are evidently attempting to impress us with quantity, not quality, and it isn't working.

Two things jump out at you. First is the sorry misuse of people who are generally better than this. How sad does Iggy Pop look here, sandwiched between the inane chirpings of Natalie Imbruglia and The Spice Girls? How wretched is it to see Ozzy Osbourne, co-creator of one of the most influential sounds in rock history, predictably wheeled out to utter a plaintive and pathetic "He's insa-a-ane"? How miserable is it to witness Kid Rock, the very latest rebel, tossed uselessly into this stinking musical broth? And there are Jagger and Richards themselves, trying their hardest to inject a youthful passion and rage their younger pop peers clearly do not possess. It's ugly, ugly stuff.

On top of this, there's the kudos gained by bullshit-mongers like Steps, Boyzone and the aforementioned Imbruglia and Spice Girls. These are not rock stars, they're purveyors of the flimsiest pop nonsense we've been subjected to in 50 years. They have as much to do with this song as a gang of fat City businessmen doing karaoke on New Year's Eve ie NOTHING. With their money-orientated, granny-pleasing career-plans, they are the ABSOLUTE OPPOSITE of everything this song stands for. This is a sneaky fraud. It tells us that all music is rock and roll, and that rock and roll is just music. It isn't. Rock and roll is the soulful expression of human joy and pain, life and everything inbetween - rock and roll is Nine Inch Nails, Macy Gray, Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave, Supergrass and Machine Head. Each in their different way, these people and many more have Soul, a quality that's sorely lacked by the gut-churning single in question.

The problem is that shite like It's Only Rock And Roll draws everything together, just like Live Aid did before it. Every genre is reduced to the same level, all the musicians are forced to descend to the status of their weakest member - which turns it all into a half-arsed cabaret. Music progresses because musicians throw themselves headlong into genres, testing the boundaries, adding their own life-stuff, mixing and matching until they've created something that's resolutely of themselves, and something that's consequently NEW. None of the piffling pop prats involved here have done anything of the kind, and none of the genuine artists here will ever do it again, if they continue to debase themselves in this tawdry, luvvie, showbiz manner.

Of course, you might say that it's all in a good cause. And that's true. But ask yourself this: do we really want our real stars, our muses and spokespeople to be involved in this kind of seedy fiasco? Couldn't they put out an album of cover versions or even specially written original material? Does Iggy Pop really have to raise money by appearing with Natalie Imbruglia because, from here, he looks like one of those telethon-fiends who get sponsored to spend 24 hours sitting in a bath full of dung beetles.

We're not asking for much here, just a little bit of dignity. And respect - a little respect is always good.